TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the very best. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Indeed, positive, let us have An additional area where by American men can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though prior negotiations unsuccessful below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: give All people a collection to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It is not that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It truly is that he must halt applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the project, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Great tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from House, a attribute getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is not only unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Characteristics


Probably the strangest element on Trump Tower Damascus the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by guests may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are unsure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Approach: "When you Bomb It, They can Occur"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Eternally."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "in which's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may even include:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down service."


Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."

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